Always in my Head
by ellima
Summary: Though he tries to convince himself he doesn't like Clarke like that, he dreams about her. All the time. one-shot Bellarke.


**So this is just something that has been in my head for a while so I just decided to write it. Bellarke one-shot, my first actually, so review please! And also, excuse the bad grammar, English is not my first language.**

* * *

Bellamy tosses and turns, unable to fall asleep. He stares at the girl next to him, whose name he can't even remember, and just wishes she would leave his tent, but she is already sleeping tight.

He's awfully frustrated, even though he just had sex half an hour ago, but it didn't feel right. It never feels right lately. And he's afraid to admit it is because of a certain blonde healer.

He even caught himself almost moaning her name tonight. It's pointless to deny he imagined her instead of the girl.

And now she's even keeping him from falling asleep. He doesn't know what's wrong with him, what has changed, because he was perfectly able to screw around just a few weeks ago. Now, he finds himself having sex less and less often, and jerking off alone in his tent more often.

And it's also pointless to deny he doesn't imagine her while doing it.

When he's finally able to fall asleep, he dreams of her.

 _He's lying in bed, just like now, naked, except that he's alone. He can't fall asleep._

 _Suddenly, his tent flaps open, and she comes in. She wears a white silk robe, and her golden curls flow freely and frame her perfect face._

 _He sits up as she makes her way over to him._

" _Clarke, what are you doing here?" He's confused. But he doesn't want her to leave. She looks so gorgeous, so angelic._

 _She sits down next to him and gently touches his cheek._

" _I couldn't sleep" Her voice is a whisper. "I can't stop thinking about you, Bell."_

" _I'm sorry. Do you want to sleep in my bed with me?" He remembers her doing this a few times after she killed Finn and was unable to sleep alone without terrifying nightmares haunting her._

 _He skids to the side to make space for her. She stares onto the bed and he follows her gaze. While moving the blanket shifted and now reveals his nakedness._

 _She looks up into his eyes and says "No Bell, I don't want to sleep in your bed with you. I want to sleep with you."_

 _And she opens her gown and reveals her nude body, a body so perfect he can't take his eyes off of her._

 _She slips into bed beside him and places her hands on his chest. She's on top of him and starts placing kisses on his neck._

" _Is this okay for you?" She whispers in his ear before nibbling on his earlobe._

 _As an answer he moves so she can feel his huge, hard erection. She smiles and lets her kisses wander further down, his neck, his chest, his stomach, until she reaches his dick and continues her kissing and takes it in her mouth making Bellamy moan and wince because it feels so good –_

"Bell?"

A loud voice wakes him. He groans unwillingly, wanting to continue his dream, his wrong, amazing dream which he wants to be true too bad and which makes him wake up with probably the hardest morning wood of his life.

He opens his eyes to see the object of his dreams right in front of his bed.

He sits up abruptly. "Clarke! What's wrong?"

She shortly eyes the girl next to him, who is just waking up, and the look of disapproval is clear to read.

"Murphy and Miller are fighting and they won't listen to me. Get up and stop this."

Bellamy sighed a he slowly got up. He really needed to stop whatever was happening to him right now.

* * *

The next days are tiring. All day he runs around fixing every damn problem for every damn delinquent because apparently they couldn't handle their own damn life. In the nights he fucks around (totally _not_ to prove himself that he doesn't think about Clarke) and wakes up regretting it.

He doesn't see her much, but when she's near, he feels her presence. Sometimes he catches himself staring at her, and when he does, he curses himself.

He dreams of her more often. Every dream is different, but it always ends the same. Sometimes he comes to her tent, and she is shy, sometimes they're out in the woods, passionate, he even once dreamt about him tying her up.

What is wrong with him? It's clear she is not interested in him, and anyway, why would he be interested in her? She was _Clarke Griffin_ , the fucking princess, after all.

But hasn't she proved that she is far more than a stuck-up princess? Bellamy bans these thoughts from his head, until night.

When he dreams about her again.

 _It's afternoon. Clarke just treated a patient and is exhausted when Bellamy watches her leave the med bay. But she's still as radiant as the sun. He can't help but smile proudly._

"She's mine" _, he thinks._

 _Silently, he sneaks up behind her and enjoys the squeal as he pulls her against him, and her smile as he presses a kiss against her neck._

" _Bell" She sighs, and happily leans into his hug. "What an awful day."_

" _Do you want to talk about it?" He murmurs, lips still pressed against her skin._

 _She spins around and snuggles up against his chest._

" _Let's go home." She whispers, and he nods and takes her hand to pull her to their cabin._

 _He listens to her silently while he prepares a meal, knowing she just needs to get everything off her chest. She's sprawled over their bed while talking, and he can't help but smile when he thinks about what they last did in this position._

 _After a while, she goes silent, and he serves dinner._

 _He's not the best cook, but still miles ahead of Clarke, whose food is barely edible. When she first cooked for him, Bellamy had been 90% sure she was trying to poison him._

 _She encourages him to tell her about his day while they eat, and even after they're finished, they sit and talk about their fears and hopes and whatever silly thoughts cross their minds, and Bellamy hangs on Clarke's lips even when she tells him how much she misses blow-dryers. He wants to know everything that's on her mind, he wants to never be without her, and when she dozes of, he gently picks her up and places her in their bed._

 _He lies down next to her, brushes a kiss against her forehead, and wraps his arms around her with the intention of never letting go as he falls asleep._

Bellamy wakes up with a jolt. He feels a strange longing in his chest, and as he thinks about the dream, it only worsens. _Stupid_ , he scolds himself, but can't help but notice how different this desire is, how it's a desire for love and not for lust, a desire for Clarke and not for her body. It's the first dream about her in which they're simply together.

It doesn't help to see her every day, and his chest only tightens with every new meeting. He isn't even in the mood to take random girls anymore.

He distracts himself with other things. He joins almost every hunting party, he's present at the campfire parties in the evening, and he fulfills his duties as the leader more thoroughly.

He almost forces himself to flirt with the girls, though it lacks the kind of fun it once held.

But what shatters all his efforts is the one evening when he sees her arm in arm with Miller. He knew she once held a minor crush for him, and the fear he might use her causes him to explode.

He rushes over and pulls him away from Clarke violently.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" He roars, and pushes Miller away from him. The boy stumbles, but manages to catch himself.

"What the fuck, Bellamy?" He asks, rage evident in his voice.

"Yeah, what the fuck, Bellamy?" Monty approaches and carefully puts an arm around Miller's shoulders. "You okay?" He softly asks, and Miller's face lights up with a smile as he nods.

Bellamy looks from one to another, and his fury wears off. He suddenly feels embarrassed and stupid, especially when his gaze meets Clarke's, who stares at him in disbelief and minor anger.

"Care to explain?" Her voice sounds flat, and he opens his mouth to answer, but what is there to say? That only seeing her interact with a guy makes him more jealous and furious than he's ever been, that he can't sleep at night and when he does, he sees her face, and that he wants just once, just once for her face to light up the way Miller's did when he saw Monty when she sees him.

But because he can't say any of that, he turns around and storms off.

Again, he dreams about her.

 _The most radiant of smiles lights up her face as she watches Bellamy try to teach the little girl history. He's already told her the Odyssey a million times, but the small brunette much rather likes to be outside and run through meadows or go butterfly chasing with her aunt._

" _Now, now, Penelope, don't you want to know how the story ended?" He smirks as his 5-year old daughter tries to escape his lesson and runs of into her mother's arms, who lifts the child up and buries her face in her dark locks._

" _I already know! Mommy, can I go play outside? Please?" She uses her huge blue eyes with that puppy look, and if it was Bellamy she used it on, he would give up immediately, but her mother was tougher._

" _Sorry, darling, but if we go outside, who will take care of your brother?"_

 _The whole family turns toward the crib in the corner of the room, where the tiniest of bodies snores peacefully._

 _Penelope pouts. "No one, he's stupid."_

 _Bellamy laughs as he picks his daughter out of her mother's arms to spin her around a few times._

" _No need to be jealous, you'll always be daddy's princess." Penelope giggles delighted, but now it's Clarke's turn to pout._

" _Hey, what about me?"_

 _He kisses her on the lips. "You're my queen."_

 _And when she smiles up to him with genuine love in her eyes, his heart beat fastens like he's thirteen years old again and talking to is crush for the first time._

 _Their moment is interrupted by demanding wails out of the corner of the room. Penelope presses her hands on her tiny ears, and angrily states "You're a liar, daddy. Little brothers aren't fun all." Then she stomps her foot and leaves the room._

 _She's such a little drama queen, and Bellamy can't imagine loving anyone as much as her. Well, maybe except for three other people._

 _He watches his stunning, smart and courageous wife feeding his little son, softly shooing him and gently caressing the soft blond hair on his tiny head._

 _He makes his way over to the two, and presses a small kiss on Alain's forehead._

" _Daddy! Auntie O is here!" They were suddenly called by their other child._

 _Bellamy sends a quick smile at his wife, before making his way to the front door, where his daughter is eagerly talking to his sister._

" _Bell!" She exclaims when she sees him._

" _Daddy, Tavvi has Razia with her, can we pleeease go outside and play?"_

 _Bell opened the door further, to see a little girl with dark hair sneeze as she tries to smell a flower._

" _Of course, go ahead. Clarke!" He calls over his shoulder, and soon the blonde, with their son on her arms, joins the siblings as they leave the cabin to watch their children play._

" _Razia looks exactly like her dad, really. Where are all the fantastic Blake genes?" Bellamy complains mockingly, just as the chubby three-year old suddenly stumbles, falls over and lands face first in the meadow._

" _There they are" Clarke laughs, and Bell nudges her playfully as Octavia hurries over to assure herself her daughter is alright._

" _Besides, you can be sure that our daughter has enough Blake genes for an entire generation."_

" _What, you mean she's dazzlingly beautiful, beyond intelligent, and charming? Because, well, I have to agree with that."_

 _Clarke laughs and snuggles into his embrace._

" _I actually meant she's thick-headed and easily offended, but sure, whatever you say."_

" _I know you love me."_

" _You don't know how fucking much."_

Bellamy wakes up because he suddenly hears heavy thumps on the roof of his tent. It takes him a few moments to realize its rain and he sinks back into his blanket, relaxed.

He tries not to frown at the fact he's dreamed about her again. He's actually used to it.

His head spins, so he reaches out for a bottle of water next to his bed and takes a few gulps. This was getting weirder and weirder. He never pictured himself married, yet alone with children. But now, as he thinks of the little brunette whirlwind, he can't help but smile and picture all the things they would do together, picture her and him (and Clarke, but he's not sure if he's ready to admit the fact he thinks of her as the mother of his children – that would be a little beyond a crush) going on trips, reading, teaching her everything they know and watch her grow older.

He can't help but wish his dream would someday come true. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this year, but someday. And he decides he has to make sure it will.

When he leaves his tent, the rain is way heavier than he thought – he's drenched in seconds. Mumbling a curse, he sprints over to the med bay, mud splattering around him. When he slams open the door, a familiar scent of herbs and warmth greets him. But not his favorite scent, a mixture of forest, something flowery and mint. She's not there. Muttering another curse under his breath, he takes off into the rain again.

She's not in her tent. She's probably in their little mess hall, to eat breakfast.

There are loads of people in the mess hall, and since it's a rainy day, people will probably stay here most of the day, playing games and having fun. It's loud and he can't spot Clarke.

People greet him when he passes by, but he's too focused to really notice.

There, finally, he spots her gold-blonde hair among the crowd. Before he knows what's happening, he makes his way over to Clarke, and spins her around.

"Bellamy?" She asks a bit confused. "What's wrong?"

As an answer, he leans down to kiss her. In front of all the others, but he couldn't care less.

Her lips are soft, just as he thought they would be, but he suddenly notices she's not reacting. Embarrassed, he pulls back, fumbling for words.

 _Damn,_ he thinks, and disappointment floods him. Nervously, he looks down on her; her blue eyes are wide open, her mouth open in surprise, and she seems to be fumbling for words, too.

He notices the crowd has gone silent. Everybody's watching them, some surprised, some smug, he even sees Monty grinning as Jasper grumpily hands him something.

But his attention is all on Clarke. "Maybe we should talk." He says silently.

But suddenly, she grins.

"Or, we could not talk."

And then she pulls him down to her to kiss him properly.

* * *

 **If anyone wants to know where I've got the names from: Penelope is Odysseus' wife in 'The Odyssey' and the Greek mythology, Alain Bombard is a doctor and marine biologist, which I found fitting for Clarke, but also for Eliza, since she wanted to become a marine biologist originally, and Razia was a powerful Indian warrior/ruler, and a badass fighter. Just if any of you cares.**

 **Leave me a review so I know how you liked it!**

 **Thank all of you for reading xx**


End file.
